Broken, again.

It's 2:21 am.....

I'm sitting at my Ex's, crying and just don't know what to do.

This royally sucks. It sucks that I can't move on, that I can't let go, that I can't force myself to be in love with anyone else like I still love him (trust me on that one, I've tried hard to convince myself that he's a complete douche, that D-man would never hurt me and no matter what, the feelings just don't leave)

He tells me that he loves me, that he still wants me, that if I say the word I would be his forever.

I finally started to give in a couple of weeks ago, just to find out he had met someone knew. I may have had a small psychotic moment & messaged her on facebook, telling her it was in her best interest to stay away...she's a little crazier than I had expected and so there was lots of drama to follow in the next few days.

Anyhow, I broke down to the Ex, I let my guard down, I told him how I had felt about him still...after almost 2 years after walking out. He still says the same words...the I love you's the I want us forever, the we are a family together......

and yet, the other girl is still a part of this. I freaking told my baby's father the truth....I told him the feelings I still have, the things I can't get past, the reasons he isn't who I can be with. I hurt someone who would do anything for me, someone who has given up alot for me, someone who just recently has walked away from his own family in defense for my feelings (see last month's baby shower spaz...that was his sister) Someone that has been nicer to me than anyone has ever been

All because I believed the lies. And now I'm in complete turmoil over life. I can't do this alone. I can't be the mom my kids need when I feel like I'm such a worthless piece of shit that I don't even get told the truth.....

The events of this evening (no details, sorry) have me left in a state of confusion, I don't know whether to be pissed....like super pissed, like cut the ex's dick off type pissed or to just cry so hard my body dies from dehydration because I hurt.

All I have asked is one thing, to do the actions to back up the words, and as I sit here now (2:34 am to be exact) with my entire world torn apart to be with the one I love, what do I get to show that he cares....an I want to see her face to face to break up with her, a come lay in bed with me & I'll deal with her tomorrow......which in reality is saying you aren't worth it, you are nothing to me and i just don't care about your feelings.

I can't believe I came over here for this. I can't believe I have given up the stability that I had to let myself be fooled into this mind game we've played so many times before.

I really just feel like shit.....I really just want to be loved by the one that has my entire heart and for the actions of that one to back up the words he begs me to believe.

Fuck My Life because it really fucking sucks to be me tonight.