Beer!!!

yes I am 33 weeks pregnant & just titled this blog post "Beer"

why, you might ask....well just wait til you hear what me & D-man each experienced this weekend


Saturday night, I went to work at the local VFW. They occasionally have a steak dinner or fish fry & they often have bands on Saturday night. I was given the LAZIEST job ever of running the register for the supper/collecting the cover for the band.

It was fabulous. I got to sit there, playing on my phone, eating a free steak dinner, doing practically nothing for the first hour or so. After checking out a few guests, I need some 5's. So I went over to the bar to get change from the bartender (the bar & dining/band area are seperated in this building...they did that before the no smoking in bars law so that people weren't forced to be in a smoky area and eat/enjoy the entertainment)

Bartender was busy, so I was standing next to Old man Charlie. He's a gambler, a drinker. A generally very quiet man. I ask the bartender for change & while she is working on it, Charlie says to me "you know, you are still beautiful even with that pregnant belly". haha. My response..."only a month or so more & I can drink beer with you guys again".
Old man Charlie then tries to convince me that wine is perfectly safe for pregnancy & offers to purchase me a drink....Thankfully at this point, bartender gives me the 5's I need & I'm off to be lazy again.


Poor D-man that night, had to entertain himself while I was working. You would have thought it was pure torture leaving him home alone. He ended up at his cousin's house...the usual beer drinking garage :)

D-man's buddy shows up, along with his wife. Buddy's wife is preggo too, due the day after me!

I was telling D-man he was lucky I am preggo or I would have stayed out & drank with Old man Charlie & the others. D-man replies with "being pregnant doesn't seem to stop some people from drinking"

I just looked at him all confused, and he went on to share....Buddy & his wife not only showed up at beer garage to socialize, but proceeded to each drink 3-4 beers while there for a couple of hours. And Buddy's wife was not only drinking, but chain smoking the entire time.

I think I was in shock for a few minutes, D-man said nobody could muster up the words to say a single thing about it, everyone was in aww....

so the lessons I learned this weekend were this:
1. Wine is perfectly appropriate while pregnant, in any amounts, so long as old men are buying
2. While we all KNOW alcohol is bad for preggos, you can still get away with it pretty easily...the shock factor of it happening is enough to keep anyone from mouthing off to you.


All I know, is girl is lucky I wasn't there. I would have FLIPPED the EFF out on her over it!!!

Broken, again.

It's 2:21 am.....

I'm sitting at my Ex's, crying and just don't know what to do.

This royally sucks. It sucks that I can't move on, that I can't let go, that I can't force myself to be in love with anyone else like I still love him (trust me on that one, I've tried hard to convince myself that he's a complete douche, that D-man would never hurt me and no matter what, the feelings just don't leave)

He tells me that he loves me, that he still wants me, that if I say the word I would be his forever.

I finally started to give in a couple of weeks ago, just to find out he had met someone knew. I may have had a small psychotic moment & messaged her on facebook, telling her it was in her best interest to stay away...she's a little crazier than I had expected and so there was lots of drama to follow in the next few days.

Anyhow, I broke down to the Ex, I let my guard down, I told him how I had felt about him still...after almost 2 years after walking out. He still says the same words...the I love you's the I want us forever, the we are a family together......

and yet, the other girl is still a part of this. I freaking told my baby's father the truth....I told him the feelings I still have, the things I can't get past, the reasons he isn't who I can be with. I hurt someone who would do anything for me, someone who has given up alot for me, someone who just recently has walked away from his own family in defense for my feelings (see last month's baby shower spaz...that was his sister) Someone that has been nicer to me than anyone has ever been

All because I believed the lies. And now I'm in complete turmoil over life. I can't do this alone. I can't be the mom my kids need when I feel like I'm such a worthless piece of shit that I don't even get told the truth.....

The events of this evening (no details, sorry) have me left in a state of confusion, I don't know whether to be pissed....like super pissed, like cut the ex's dick off type pissed or to just cry so hard my body dies from dehydration because I hurt.

All I have asked is one thing, to do the actions to back up the words, and as I sit here now (2:34 am to be exact) with my entire world torn apart to be with the one I love, what do I get to show that he cares....an I want to see her face to face to break up with her, a come lay in bed with me & I'll deal with her tomorrow......which in reality is saying you aren't worth it, you are nothing to me and i just don't care about your feelings.

I can't believe I came over here for this. I can't believe I have given up the stability that I had to let myself be fooled into this mind game we've played so many times before.

I really just feel like shit.....I really just want to be loved by the one that has my entire heart and for the actions of that one to back up the words he begs me to believe.

Fuck My Life because it really fucking sucks to be me tonight.

Opening Day!! Woot Woot!!

STL Cardinals opening game today! YAY for baseball season!!

Ok, that's about my only pure excitement for the time being. Today is a just a quick run down of life, hoping to not get into lots of rambling, because my thoughts aren't processing correctly in my head at this moment in time.

Last week's OB appt didn't go quite as we had planned, we have an ultrasound this week to check out some things. Did my one-hour test.....awaiting the results.

Baby shower drama is still going strong, but hey, it hasn't phased me since I forgot "she" existed.

Grandma's chemo is started & going well, I'm taking the kids out of school & headed up there to visit tomorrow.

Easter was FABULOUS. Egg hunt at the local VFW....my 2 year old P won a big Easter Basket & my 4 yr old C won a Radio Flyer scooter....that's in addition to the millions of candy filled eggs we came home with. Plus of course the Easter Bunny came to visit.

My Ex has a magnetic attraction to crazy girls. Yes I am crazy, I admit it, but I've tamed it down a TON the last few years....this new one though, she may just be the Queen of Crazy....I'm sure I'll have some fun posts about happenings with her if they continue on, after all, they have onloy known each other for one full week at this point.

My dear boytoy/boyfriend/fiance (call him whatever you want, he answers to all)....I just don't know what I would do without him. I am very happy to have finally found someone so genuine. Someone who I can just sit & talk to for hours even after we have been together for 1 1/2 years (well 1 yr, 3 1/2 months to be exact) He is my rock right now......I just need to figure out how to let go of the hurt form my past & let my guard down the rest of the way.....

Ok, so that's it, I just needed to sort out some of the things racing through my mind....
Will be back when I find something new to take a direct interest in, like maybe if the Cardinals win today :)

If you have the power, use it

My thought to pass on for the day,

"If you have the power to change something you do not like, change it or else get over it"

Really want to add in a few curse words & scream it into the ear of a particular someone right now.

I mean I REALLY want to.

But instead, I've decided to pretend that person no longer exists in this world. :-)

My baby shower is just about a month away. Its May 8th to be exact. I'm not throwing it for myself, I have limited input on things. If you so choose to schedule your baby shower for the same day....the baby shower you are giving yourself for the baby coming 1 1/2-2 months after mine, its really not my issue that you may not have all of your family there. KTHNXBAI

Yes that's what words I want to pass on to a certain someone....oh nevermind, they don't exist anymore :-)

Goodness I cannot wait to be released from all restrictions so I can start working out again, it will be nice to have an outlet for all the frustrations in life....but until then, I feel sorry for whoever else decides to cross me the wrong way!

Church and the kids "designated areas"

I am beyond annoyed right now over something I saw yesterday at church. More than 24 hours later & its still bugging me like no other. Could be that there is lots going on in life right now & it seems like a good battle to chose because frankly, I am in control of the end result (control, me, like that idea, no way! lol)

I used to be pretty active in church. Sunday School & service almost every Sunday, participated in the choir, taught a youth class. Then I got caught up in life's challenges, and work. I haven't went to church in at least 2 months, until yesterday.

So I go in with the kids....excited to be there again. I get them signed in, arm banded, myself arm banded with matching numbers (mind you this is 3 arm bands on myself cuz wouldn't ya know we haven't figured out how to make this security system friendly to the families of more than one child) in their classrooms and I try to exit the crowd that's left standing in the doorway battling the security system. I got scolded for trying to use the other door....apparently its now an "emergency only" exit as part of above mentioned security system.

Ok, so yeah, at this point my excitement has worn off some. But I get down to my Sunday School room. I love my class, and was looking forward to seeing the teacher & his wife (oah my....anyone that knows me would think I lost my mind over that. hehe)

My teacher & his family weren't there.
Half of my class isn't there.
As I walk thru the room to sit down, I see these signs that say something to he effect of "children/babies need to be in their designated areas during sunday school"

Um ok, there have been soooooooooooo many days that I go to take my youngest to the nursery & no one is there to work. We grab a few puzzles and she sits on the floor in our room & plays during class or until someone shows up for the nursery.

I may have started a trend by doing that tho, as since that started 2 others in the class have had children and their children have often ended up in our classroom even WHEN there is someone available in the nursery to watch them.

I understand the children are distracting. I get easily distracted all the time, and I often steer the class in talks way off of our lesson for the day, I can only imagine what it was like with the others having their kids in there would have done for my attention span.

Here's my issues......

1) Mother's have quit going to church over this, because they don't want to separate from their kids.

2) I am expecting in about 2 months. And there is no way I will be ok with leaving my exclusively breast fed newborn in the nursery away from me.

As much as I do not look forward to it, I think its time to start testing the grounds at other churches........I just can't get over my baby, my tiny little baby that doesn't talk or walk (or even crawl) not being attached to my side.

So sad, but seeing as how I am still upset over this sign I saw, I'm thinking a more attachment parenting type of atmosphere is in order for Sunday services.

Oh for the love of lists

Several years ago I was working with a counselor on my anxiety issues in an attempt to avoid medication. I made the mistake of allowing my husband to tag along to a few appointments, with the intent that he could help me remember to bring up some questions I had for the counselor & also help me remember the ideas she had for helping to control the situation & then help implement these changes at home.

To this day, about 8 years later, my (now ex) husband will not let me forget what the counselor had pointed out.

List making is an OCD tendency that I hold and that I am a control freak.

I love lists. I love making lists. I love them very very much. This is probably the reason I did so well in the Write on Illinois essay writing program we used in school. The essay was essentially just a fabulous list, in outline order ( I love outline order too!!).

Anyhow, lets fast forward to now. I haven't made many lists since I seperated from my (now ex) husband. (Maybe he was the cause of some areas in my OCD/anxiety ridden state????) But today I am sitting at my desk at the office. I am thinking about how maternity leave will go for my boss and I realize.......I get to make a list. Oh wait, not just one list, but a list of lists I can make. And then the lists themselves. Lists of things to be taken care of while I'm gone, for the boss and her brand new, untrained helper.

Oah My Goodness......today I am in heaven!!

THE first entry.... an introduction of sorts

Writing has always been a form of personal therapy for me. It gets out all of my feelings without interruptions, without judgment, without criticism, without pity from who-so-ever I would otherwise be talking to.

I have slacked in my writing over the last year or two, I have lots of things -- good & bad -- that I have bottled up inside and its now ready to explode in this crazy time of extreme hormonal takeover.

So let's begin with the basics....

ME:
My name is Danielle, although in pure laziness I usually sign off as "D"
I am mother of three beautiful, adorable, intelligent children -- H, C, and P -- and am expecting one more -- M
hmmm....yeah, that's me....not much more to say yet, that would defeat the purpose of the blog :)